I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
