Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
