I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize