I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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