so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
