I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
