I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
