so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
