We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
