God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
