...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This is classic penis vs brain.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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