I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
