I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
