her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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