I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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