So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I looked at my own cervix.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
