Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
