I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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