ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
