Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
