Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I wish you could order shots online.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
