so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
