Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
