Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
