I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
