The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
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