When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
