Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
