I haven't been this sober since birth.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you had me at cake vodka
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
