did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
