On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
