If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
