Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
