so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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