My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize