he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Send help, water and tortillas.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
