dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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