I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
