Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
