There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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