Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
