apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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