My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I will pee on everything he values.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
