life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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