Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He passed out mid-signature
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
