So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
