dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
