wakey wakey hands off snakey
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
