So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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