Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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