so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
