If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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