a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
