He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
