Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
