I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
