I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
