Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
