That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
